The history of humans tattooing each other was recently proven to be much older than previously thought. Re-assessments of the skeletal remains of a body found adorned with 61 tattoos in the Swiss Alps suggest he lived as far back as 3250 BCE. Cannabis use as a medicine has also been traced back to the 2nd century and until the 14th century, when Islamic law first forbid the use of our favorite plant, human beings around the world experienced its powerful pain relieving effects without people like Jeff Sessions being a dick about it.
Every time I’ve gotten a tattoo I instantly transform from the super tough guy persona I effortlessly give off daily into a sniveling little man child in desperate need of a nap. Kinda like some sort of terrible Autobot character nobody wanted that got left on the cutting room floor. That is until I discovered the magic of popping a pain killer and drowning it down with a hearty helping of smokey mezcal. I know, it’s not very “green” of me but it gets the job done and I promise I have a prescription. In order to save my liver and stash I decided to live like ancient Chinese royalty and use the pain killer our sweet mother Earth gave us the next time I found myself under the needle. At the very least I would feel stoned and inevitably there would be more pharmaceuticals for rich housewives and famous rappers to consume while making both bad television and music.
Since summer is as absent as my father while growing up and my YMCA membership was officially cancelled after an unfortunate incident involving a high dive and my weak stomach I knew the time was right to get tattooed. With swimming and bathing in the California sun clearly off the table I booked an appointment with the nearest artist that wouldn’t mind me puffing throughout our allotted time. After a quick trip through Mr. Nice Guy OC’s well stocked selection of cannabis flowers, concentrates, and edibles I had everything I needed to get blasted, both artistically and literally.
With the day finally upon me I gathered my tools and made my way to the comfortable leather chair that would be my home for the foreseeable future. I had already gulped down a few ounces of cannabis infused syrup from VVS and the familiar wave of tranquility was already beginning to take hold.
As my artist readied his table, gun, and ink I tore into my 1 gram stash of “Cherry Cough” concentrate from Neutron Genetics and fired up a dab of pure THC. The calming effects from the sativa’s welcoming haze allowed me to drift into a higher state of relaxation. That is until I remembered that the tattooist hadn’t even started yet. Once the needle actually touched my skin something had changed. I no longer enjoyed the faint buzz from the machine while the artists steady hands dug into my flesh and the breakfast that I skipped was haunting me. As tiny beads of sweat began to form across my back I opted for a second opinion from my STIIIZY vape pen. The Hardcore OG strain is exceptional for body aches and sleeplessness but while getting tattooed it’s more like a microscope that allows you to focus on nothing but the pain. As my lungs slowly allowed the vapor to escape I came to a definite conclusion in my social experiment. Smoking cannabis while getting tattooed sucks. I squirmed and wriggled in that torture chamber as minutes passed like hours and after what seemed like an eternity I was finally finished.
In the future I think I would rather stay sober when it comes to cannabis and tattoos. It hurts no matter what you do and saving myself for after the art is finished means I get a stronger high anyway.
All of the products mentioned in this article can be purchased at,
Mr. Nice Guy OC
730 East Dyer Rd.
Santa Ana, CA 92705