There are a lot of fancy things to do at South Coast Plaza but one of my favorites has to be getting high as a kite off some of California’s finest cheeba and buying expensive clothes. Most of the stores can be hostile towards a man-child like myself browsing the sale section but there’s a trick to it. If anyone approaches you or gives you a sideways look tell them you’re shopping for your girlfriend, if they still seem suspicious just say she goes to a different school so they probably wouldn’t know her. I’ve gotten used to people treating me like the peasant that I am and I believe I owe it all to the pre-shopping regimen I’ve developed after countless trips to the most vapid and depressing place in all of Orange County, the mall.
Before you begin your decent into consumerism chaos you’re going to need a decent amount of cannabis as well as a good preparation meal in case you find yourself stranded in the Macy’s line behind someone trying to get store credit without a receipt.
A good rule of thumb is one gram of weed for every twenty minutes you plan on being at the mall with the option of another half gram during holiday seasons. With the correct amount of THC stinking up your jeans it’s time to tackle that prep meal and head off into the great unknown.
South Coast has few food options due to the absence of a traditional food court. I’m not sure why, but it probably has something to do with Hot Dog on a Stick not being very classy. Thankfully there’s one last oasis for people like me and they happen to serve my favorite food at the moment. Claim Jumper has been around since 1977 and it couldn’t be more obvious after a quick scan of their menu full of fried items usually reserved for restaurants in flyover states. There’s no kale, no bone marrow appetizer, and if you want a side of ranch chances are the dish already comes with it. The star of the menu is the coconut shrimp appetizer, presented with an assortment of dipping sauces and served alongside a wanton slaw. I’ve eaten at weddings, funerals, and street vendors all over this great state and nothing compares to a fried ocean bug that’s been coated in sweet coconut flakes, it’s magical healing properties will help you feel less terrible about yourself when you see someone half your age pull up to the valet in a car that’s worth more than everything you own. So grab some eye drops, saddle up to the bar, and dive face first into what could be some of the last fish our earth gets the privilege to eat before our oceans give up on us.