[Editor’s Note: Our reporter, Jefferson VanBilliard, is a man of many hats. This week, we’ve made him our lead “street reporter” and sent him to review a movie that’s been out for weeks and tell us about his experience– while stoned, obviously. Consider this the cannabis-infused “Rotton Tomatoes”. Enjoy!]
Imagine a world where dinosaurs interrupted your surf session, swooped in on your lunch, or left feces splattered all over your Prius. That’s the world I was hoping for when I went to see the action-packed blockbuster, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom at Picture Show Entertainment in the majestic Main Place mall. I’d already lifted myself into a comfortable buzz after lightning up two heavy-hitting Future pre-rolls, which aren’t your average joints. These fiery doobs are infused with hash oil, rolled in golden kief and clock-in at over 30 percent THC. Needless to say, I was a version of my best-self heading into the movie, and more than ready to intimately experience those velociraptors. For safe measure, though, I also gulped down a GFarma Labs 210mg medicated lemonade. I did it in the name of science, and to make sure I was fully focused when those kids who escaped in the last movie finally get eaten. I couldn’t wait.
Except that’s not how it worked out. The movie I purchased tickets for was, essentially, a childhood full of broken promises and product placement, complete with a leading lady who spent 80 percent of the movie staring into the sunset, the nearest window, or Chris Pratt’s cold, dead eyes. At least I think that’s what she did, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
As I settled into a combo of the squeakiest chair and stickiest floor-space, I realized I had most of the movie theatre to myself, which was perfect. I’d decided long before purchasing my ticket I was going to be the worst moviegoer of them all— you know, the guy who writes notes on his phone during the entire movie. Except, instead of taking notes, I used the opening trailers to check my junk emails and look up how to correctly spell “Indominus”. It was only after peering up through the haze of my Pure disposable vape pen and seeing said dinosaur lying at the bottom of the ocean floor that I remembered it died in the last movie. Oh well, those kids are still going to get it right? Wrong. I’m assuming the storyline of their parent’s (almost?) divorce, as well as the inevitable PTSD they’d suffered from nearly becoming dino food meant they’d had enough sense to stay away from their (probably?) abusive Aunt Claire.
At this point in the movie, I’d basically given up all hope. Jeff Goldblum warned every one of the repercussions of “cloning” species. The producers of this movie obviously didn’t get the irony, as they sucked every ounce of soul, comedy, and dinosaur-awesomeness out of this crappy remake of a sequel that we didn’t need. I was stoned to the bone, and the storyline was going nowhere. I secretly wished I was on that volcanic island waving to the ship that magically fit thirty different dinosaurs on it, as lava quickly ended the pain of watching “An Inconvenient Truth 2, Dinosaur Apocalypse”.
Part two; Jurassic World: The Refund.
The only good that came from my experience is having the opportunity to let everyone in on a secret: If you leave early a movie enough, and act like a major emergency came up, let’s say your grandmother was trampled while on a safari, or maybe your house is on fire and you left your copy of the good Jurassic Park movie inside and need to rescue it, you can get your money back. Either way, a quick conversation with the nearest high-schooler movie theatre employee will get you a ticket to see another (hopefully, better) movie in the future. Unfortunately, we don’t have the technology to send us all back to the ‘90s where dinosaurs were robots and Chris Pratt was living in a van. But I did hear Sicario 2 is decent.
All products mentioned in this article can be purchased at:
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